*Workplace health risk addressed
Posted on January 30, 2003 in Oh I Crack Me Up by DM
In an attempt to create widespread public panic, generate sympathy, and elicit federal grant money for long-term laboratory animal studies, the Department of Minor Afflictions has released information about a deadly new condition found to strike computer users. Known as “e-thrombosis,” due in large part to the annoying linguistic habit of adding an “e-” to the front of anything computer-related, the condition causes a blood clot to form in the leg of a person who sits at a computer for long periods of time. The clot travels to the brain, resulting in instant death for the worker and immediate salary savings for the employer.
Because I do not wish to inconvenience my co-workers with the disgusting mess that my sudden and violent death might cause, and because I do not wish to force undue paperwork on my employer relative to the task of moving my budgeted wages into the General Operating Fund, I am implementing this policy to ensure that I get enough exercise during my workday:
8:30 a.m. - Workday begins
9 a.m. - Breakfast walk to Burger King
10:30 a.m. - Snack walk to Walgreens for chocolate
11:45 a.m. - Pre-Lunch Warm-Up Walk
Noon-1 p.m. - Lunch (seated)
1 p.m. - Post-Lunch Cool-Down Walk
2:30 p.m. - Snack walk to bakery cart for cookie
4 p.m. - Additional anti-sedentary activity (to be determined)
5 p.m. - Workday ends Please let me know if you have any concerns.
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[...] my ongoing efforts to avoid e-thrombosis, I was making a morning run to Walgreens for chocolate. A couple downtown, toting one of those [...]